1 00:00:02,470 --> 00:00:04,937 Did you get my breath mints? 2 00:00:04,939 --> 00:00:07,139 Oh, I'm sorry, Alf. I forgot. 3 00:00:07,141 --> 00:00:08,607 Okay, but you're the one 4 00:00:08,609 --> 00:00:10,943 who has to live with it. 5 00:00:10,945 --> 00:00:12,378 [exhales] 6 00:00:14,148 --> 00:00:16,415 I'll run down to the 7-Eleven. 7 00:00:17,785 --> 00:00:20,352 Honey, did you get any more cotton swabs? 8 00:00:20,354 --> 00:00:23,155 The tips are missing from all of these 9 00:00:23,157 --> 00:00:24,757 and I can't help but feel 10 00:00:24,759 --> 00:00:28,160 you probably know something about this. 11 00:00:28,162 --> 00:00:31,663 Moths. It was moths. 12 00:00:31,665 --> 00:00:34,333 Is that the best you can come up with? 13 00:00:35,770 --> 00:00:37,736 I've got 'em, dad. Here, Alf. 14 00:00:37,738 --> 00:00:40,072 At least we remembered your cotton balls. 15 00:00:40,074 --> 00:00:42,574 What are you doing with all this cotton? 16 00:00:42,576 --> 00:00:46,412 I've been experimenting with some new menu ideas. 17 00:00:46,414 --> 00:00:48,347 You mean you're eating it? 18 00:00:48,349 --> 00:00:51,116 Yeah, I also tried attic insulation 19 00:00:51,118 --> 00:00:54,586 but it left me feeling bloated and unattractive. 20 00:00:55,956 --> 00:00:59,091 It's funny that way. 21 00:00:59,093 --> 00:01:00,759 But the cotton.. 22 00:01:00,761 --> 00:01:02,628 Ah, the cotton! 23 00:01:02,630 --> 00:01:05,097 All the flavor of a fine polyester 24 00:01:05,099 --> 00:01:07,900 with none of the unpleasant aftertaste. 25 00:01:11,038 --> 00:01:13,272 Mm. 26 00:01:13,274 --> 00:01:16,475 [theme music] 27 00:02:18,005 --> 00:02:19,838 Ha-ha-ha! 28 00:02:19,840 --> 00:02:21,073 Ha-ha! 29 00:02:21,075 --> 00:02:23,075 Ha! Ho-ho! 30 00:02:23,077 --> 00:02:25,644 Ho-ho-ho! 31 00:02:25,646 --> 00:02:26,812 Alf? 32 00:02:26,814 --> 00:02:27,813 Oh, yeah. 33 00:02:27,815 --> 00:02:29,481 Yeah, just a second, Kate. 34 00:02:29,483 --> 00:02:31,783 Ha-ha-ha-ha! 35 00:02:31,785 --> 00:02:34,019 Ha-ha.. 36 00:02:34,021 --> 00:02:37,055 Alf, are you aware that that television isn't on? 37 00:02:37,057 --> 00:02:38,457 Ha.. 38 00:02:38,459 --> 00:02:41,527 I wasn't watching TV. 39 00:02:41,529 --> 00:02:44,696 Well, what are you laughing at, then? 40 00:02:44,698 --> 00:02:47,366 Son of a gun, I don't remember. 41 00:02:47,368 --> 00:02:50,002 Was I laughing? 42 00:02:50,004 --> 00:02:51,336 Are you okay, Alf? 43 00:02:51,338 --> 00:02:56,642 Hey! What say we get naked and do some chanting? 44 00:02:56,644 --> 00:02:58,277 Well, look at that. 45 00:02:58,279 --> 00:03:02,681 I'm halfway there! Ha-ha-ha-ha! 46 00:03:02,683 --> 00:03:04,483 Say, Alf, uh, do you ever think 47 00:03:04,485 --> 00:03:05,851 that all this cotton you're eating 48 00:03:05,853 --> 00:03:08,287 could be affecting your moods? 49 00:03:08,289 --> 00:03:10,722 Definitely. 50 00:03:10,724 --> 00:03:12,891 Don't you think you should cut down? 51 00:03:12,893 --> 00:03:15,928 Why? What have you got against cotton? 52 00:03:15,930 --> 00:03:19,031 Y'all Yankees? Ha-ha-ha-ha! 53 00:03:19,033 --> 00:03:21,133 I think you should cut down, Alf. 54 00:03:21,135 --> 00:03:22,501 Uh, here, let me help.. 55 00:03:22,503 --> 00:03:24,570 Alf. Alf! 56 00:03:25,773 --> 00:03:29,641 Let me have this. I'll ration it out for you. 57 00:03:29,643 --> 00:03:32,511 Alright, but now those Cheech and Chong movies 58 00:03:32,513 --> 00:03:34,880 are gonna lose some of their poignancy. 59 00:03:40,187 --> 00:03:42,187 [crickets chirping] 60 00:03:42,189 --> 00:03:44,489 ¶ New York ¶ 61 00:03:44,491 --> 00:03:46,758 (Alf) 'Hey, thank you, ladies and gentlemen.' 62 00:03:46,760 --> 00:03:48,727 'I'm announcing my retirement.' 63 00:03:48,729 --> 00:03:50,796 'Goodnight, and I love you.' 64 00:03:50,798 --> 00:03:52,864 ¶ New York ¶¶ 65 00:03:52,866 --> 00:03:56,702 - Huh? Huh? Honey? - Huh? What? 66 00:03:56,704 --> 00:03:59,771 - Did you say something? - No. 67 00:03:59,773 --> 00:04:01,607 I was just thinking how Sinatra's voice 68 00:04:01,609 --> 00:04:03,542 has slipped over the years. 69 00:04:05,512 --> 00:04:07,079 Uh, I'm sorry. 70 00:04:07,081 --> 00:04:08,113 - Hm? - Huh? 71 00:04:08,115 --> 00:04:09,181 Go to sleep. 72 00:04:09,183 --> 00:04:10,582 Mm. 73 00:04:14,021 --> 00:04:16,188 [Alf humming] 74 00:04:16,190 --> 00:04:18,323 ¶ Da da da da da ¶ 75 00:04:18,325 --> 00:04:20,392 ¶ Da da da da da ¶ 76 00:04:20,394 --> 00:04:22,427 ¶ Da da da da da ¶ 77 00:04:22,429 --> 00:04:24,596 ¶ Da da da da da ¶ 78 00:04:24,598 --> 00:04:26,598 ¶ Da da da da da ¶ 79 00:04:26,600 --> 00:04:28,066 ¶ Da da da da da ¶ 80 00:04:28,068 --> 00:04:31,837 I don't suppose we were having the same dream. 81 00:04:31,839 --> 00:04:34,740 I don't know. How were your seats? 82 00:04:34,742 --> 00:04:36,708 ¶ Da da da da da ¶ 83 00:04:36,710 --> 00:04:38,510 (Alf) 'Now just the women sing!' 84 00:04:38,512 --> 00:04:40,512 ¶ Da da da da da ¶ 85 00:04:40,514 --> 00:04:42,514 ¶ Da da da da da ¶ 86 00:04:42,516 --> 00:04:44,650 Thank you! Thank you very much! 87 00:04:44,652 --> 00:04:46,351 It's good to be back. 88 00:04:46,353 --> 00:04:48,287 ¶ Da da da da da ¶ 89 00:04:48,289 --> 00:04:49,955 ¶ Da da da da da ¶¶ 90 00:04:49,957 --> 00:04:53,125 Alf! Quiet! 91 00:04:53,127 --> 00:04:56,628 Liza! Sammy! Dino! 92 00:04:56,630 --> 00:04:59,698 Hey! Why don't we all tour together? 93 00:04:59,700 --> 00:05:02,434 I thought I told you no more cotton. 94 00:05:02,436 --> 00:05:04,069 I know what you're thinking. 95 00:05:04,071 --> 00:05:06,471 And you're worried about our supply. 96 00:05:06,473 --> 00:05:08,340 But this book here says 97 00:05:08,342 --> 00:05:11,043 there's this land called Alabama 98 00:05:11,045 --> 00:05:15,247 where cotton practically grows on trees. 99 00:05:15,249 --> 00:05:20,185 Alf...it's almost 2 o'clock in the morning, okay? 100 00:05:20,187 --> 00:05:22,220 Thanks. Last call. 101 00:05:22,222 --> 00:05:26,525 Here. Everybody rip off a piece and pass it around. 102 00:05:26,527 --> 00:05:28,727 We're not eating any pillow. 103 00:05:28,729 --> 00:05:30,562 Then how do you intend to stay awake 104 00:05:30,564 --> 00:05:33,498 for our drive to Alabama, huh? 105 00:05:33,500 --> 00:05:36,068 Nobody's going to Alabama. 106 00:05:36,070 --> 00:05:39,271 This is really gonna bum out the band. 107 00:05:39,273 --> 00:05:41,473 We are all gonna go back to sleep. 108 00:05:41,475 --> 00:05:44,976 You're gonna stop singing and send the band home. 109 00:05:44,978 --> 00:05:49,715 Okay. But I never got treated like this at the golden nugget. 110 00:05:49,717 --> 00:05:52,084 ¶ Da da da da da ¶¶ 111 00:05:56,056 --> 00:05:58,557 Bri, did you tell Alf breakfast is ready? 112 00:05:58,559 --> 00:06:02,160 - No. - Oh, thank you. 113 00:06:02,162 --> 00:06:04,162 Oh... 114 00:06:04,164 --> 00:06:05,497 [Alf yawns] 115 00:06:05,499 --> 00:06:06,898 Hi, Alf. 116 00:06:06,900 --> 00:06:09,267 Oh, somebody do something. 117 00:06:09,269 --> 00:06:11,370 You could neuter me. I don't care. 118 00:06:11,372 --> 00:06:13,372 I just want the anesthetic. 119 00:06:13,374 --> 00:06:15,073 Oh.. 120 00:06:15,075 --> 00:06:18,176 Well, I hope you learned your lesson. 121 00:06:18,178 --> 00:06:20,379 About what? 122 00:06:20,381 --> 00:06:21,680 Would you like some aspirin? 123 00:06:21,682 --> 00:06:22,948 Thanks. Would you get it for me? 124 00:06:22,950 --> 00:06:23,882 Sure. 125 00:06:23,884 --> 00:06:26,885 I never get past that childproof cap. 126 00:06:26,887 --> 00:06:29,020 Would you like some juice with these? 127 00:06:29,022 --> 00:06:30,322 Please. 128 00:06:40,768 --> 00:06:43,368 I saw that. 129 00:06:43,370 --> 00:06:44,870 Saw what? 130 00:06:44,872 --> 00:06:47,839 I saw you take that cotton. 131 00:06:47,841 --> 00:06:49,374 Brian did it! 132 00:06:49,376 --> 00:06:51,777 Me? No, I didn't. 133 00:06:51,779 --> 00:06:54,913 He's lying! J'accuse! 134 00:06:54,915 --> 00:06:56,348 That's enough of that. 135 00:06:56,350 --> 00:06:59,451 I saw you take that cotton with my own eyes. 136 00:06:59,453 --> 00:07:00,819 I don't have to take this! 137 00:07:00,821 --> 00:07:02,854 Now, I may be small, but I'm scrappy. 138 00:07:02,856 --> 00:07:04,990 Come on! Who wants a piece? 139 00:07:06,493 --> 00:07:08,093 Oh.. 140 00:07:08,095 --> 00:07:10,595 ¶ Da da da da da ¶ 141 00:07:10,597 --> 00:07:13,465 ¶ Da da da da da ¶ 142 00:07:13,467 --> 00:07:14,966 Admit it, Alf. 143 00:07:14,968 --> 00:07:18,036 You have a cotton problem. 144 00:07:18,038 --> 00:07:20,238 We only want to help you. 145 00:07:20,240 --> 00:07:23,141 Then stop trying to make me feel guilty. 146 00:07:23,143 --> 00:07:26,611 Now, I say we go into the living room and dance! 147 00:07:26,613 --> 00:07:28,380 Who's with me? 148 00:07:30,150 --> 00:07:31,783 I know what you're thinking. 149 00:07:31,785 --> 00:07:34,252 He doesn't have the guts to dance alone. 150 00:07:34,254 --> 00:07:37,189 Ha! Well, that's where you're wrong. 151 00:07:39,193 --> 00:07:42,794 'I'm doing it! I'm dancing alone!' 152 00:07:42,796 --> 00:07:45,564 'And there's no music!' 153 00:07:45,566 --> 00:07:47,499 Oh.. 154 00:07:49,536 --> 00:07:51,636 Just for the sake of argument 155 00:07:51,638 --> 00:07:54,172 suppose I do have a problem? 156 00:08:14,027 --> 00:08:16,528 Alf, please don't stare at me. 157 00:08:16,530 --> 00:08:19,164 Oh! Was I staring? 158 00:08:19,166 --> 00:08:21,600 Yes. 159 00:08:21,602 --> 00:08:24,202 Still are. 160 00:08:24,204 --> 00:08:27,205 Trust me, you're not gonna feel like this forever. 161 00:08:27,207 --> 00:08:30,609 Yeah, Alf. Hang in there. We're all with you. 162 00:08:30,611 --> 00:08:32,878 Thank you, Lynnie. 163 00:08:32,880 --> 00:08:34,813 Willie, I need cotton bad! 164 00:08:34,815 --> 00:08:37,516 No. No more cotton. 165 00:08:37,518 --> 00:08:39,417 I know, I know. 166 00:08:39,419 --> 00:08:42,521 And you're right! I had a terrible problem. 167 00:08:42,523 --> 00:08:45,023 And I thank you for pointing it out. 168 00:08:45,025 --> 00:08:48,260 But now I have it under control. 169 00:08:48,262 --> 00:08:49,761 Ha. I do. 170 00:08:49,763 --> 00:08:52,097 As you can see. 171 00:08:52,099 --> 00:08:54,533 Alf, we're seeing more than you think. 172 00:08:54,535 --> 00:08:56,234 Who asked you?! 173 00:08:58,672 --> 00:09:01,072 Willie, my man, my best friend 174 00:09:01,074 --> 00:09:02,841 what do you say we go into the den 175 00:09:02,843 --> 00:09:05,911 put on some Helen Reddy, and get fibered? 176 00:09:08,115 --> 00:09:10,382 No. 177 00:09:10,384 --> 00:09:12,183 Then who needs you? 178 00:09:15,989 --> 00:09:17,389 I don't know what else to do 179 00:09:17,391 --> 00:09:18,723 but ride this out 180 00:09:18,725 --> 00:09:21,526 hide all my underwear. 181 00:09:21,528 --> 00:09:23,094 It's too bad we can't find 182 00:09:23,096 --> 00:09:26,298 some sort of a support group that could help him. 183 00:09:26,300 --> 00:09:27,699 Joanie's mom went to one of those 184 00:09:27,701 --> 00:09:29,067 when she quit smoking. 185 00:09:29,069 --> 00:09:30,735 She joined this group that helps people 186 00:09:30,737 --> 00:09:32,571 control their compulsive habits. 187 00:09:32,573 --> 00:09:33,972 She gained 50 pounds 188 00:09:33,974 --> 00:09:36,107 and her fingers are stubs, but it worked. 189 00:09:38,512 --> 00:09:39,878 What a great idea. 190 00:09:39,880 --> 00:09:41,379 I think first thing tomorrow 191 00:09:41,381 --> 00:09:43,081 I'm gonna throw him in the car and drive him 192 00:09:43,083 --> 00:09:46,418 down to the Betty Ford clinic. 193 00:09:46,420 --> 00:09:48,553 Well, no, but maybe we could find a group 194 00:09:48,555 --> 00:09:51,089 that would be willing to meet with him here. 195 00:09:51,091 --> 00:09:52,457 What are you gonna tell 'em 196 00:09:52,459 --> 00:09:55,093 that he's some sort of a rare talking dog 197 00:09:55,095 --> 00:09:57,462 with a cotton disorder? 198 00:09:57,464 --> 00:10:00,665 Okay. Right. I have got a crazy idea. 199 00:10:00,667 --> 00:10:03,301 You want me to take part in that group, don't you? 200 00:10:03,303 --> 00:10:04,703 That's a great idea, dad. 201 00:10:04,705 --> 00:10:06,404 See, that way, Alf could hide in the kitchen 202 00:10:06,406 --> 00:10:09,874 and listen through the pass-through. 203 00:10:09,876 --> 00:10:11,209 I don't want to make a fool of myself 204 00:10:11,211 --> 00:10:14,512 in front of strangers...again. 205 00:10:14,514 --> 00:10:15,880 Since Alf's been here 206 00:10:15,882 --> 00:10:19,117 you've gotten so awfully good at it. 207 00:10:19,119 --> 00:10:20,619 (Alf) 'Hallelujah!' 208 00:10:20,621 --> 00:10:22,320 'The mother lode!' 209 00:10:27,928 --> 00:10:30,161 Willie, he's got the lint screen. 210 00:10:30,163 --> 00:10:32,197 Alf, give me the lint screen. 211 00:10:32,199 --> 00:10:34,933 Yeah? Come and get it! 212 00:10:34,935 --> 00:10:37,102 I think it's time we make that call. 213 00:10:39,506 --> 00:10:40,705 [hisses] 214 00:10:42,709 --> 00:10:47,145 While you're at it, see if you can get me a stun gun. 215 00:10:47,147 --> 00:10:49,648 Don't make me use this. 216 00:10:49,650 --> 00:10:51,049 [hisses] 217 00:10:59,126 --> 00:11:00,959 Kate, these people you invited over 218 00:11:00,961 --> 00:11:03,194 seem really messed up. 219 00:11:03,196 --> 00:11:04,729 That's why they're here, Alf 220 00:11:04,731 --> 00:11:07,132 to discuss their problems, and with the group's help 221 00:11:07,134 --> 00:11:09,167 try to cope with them. 222 00:11:09,169 --> 00:11:11,970 Who's the fat broad? 223 00:11:11,972 --> 00:11:14,139 Oh, real nice. 224 00:11:14,141 --> 00:11:16,107 Sorry. The woman with the.. 225 00:11:16,109 --> 00:11:19,711 Yeah, sure...gland problem. 226 00:11:19,713 --> 00:11:23,281 That's Rita. She's trying to quit smoking. 227 00:11:23,283 --> 00:11:27,185 And is eating cat food part of her therapy? 228 00:11:27,187 --> 00:11:29,554 This is pate, thank you. 229 00:11:29,556 --> 00:11:32,457 Oh, I don't care what kind of fancy handle you put on it. 230 00:11:32,459 --> 00:11:34,259 It's still cat food! 231 00:11:34,261 --> 00:11:36,127 Will you just keep quiet and listen. 232 00:11:36,129 --> 00:11:38,797 We have all gone to a lot of trouble for you. 233 00:11:38,799 --> 00:11:40,231 How much trouble does it take 234 00:11:40,233 --> 00:11:42,333 to open up a couple of cans of kitty queen? 235 00:11:43,804 --> 00:11:46,671 This is not cat food! 236 00:11:51,044 --> 00:11:53,645 Hello. 237 00:11:53,647 --> 00:11:55,313 Oh, ho ho. 238 00:11:55,315 --> 00:11:56,681 Thanks. 239 00:11:56,683 --> 00:11:58,383 I'm trying to quit smoking. 240 00:11:58,385 --> 00:12:01,152 Yes, Rita. You mentioned that last tray. 241 00:12:03,623 --> 00:12:06,291 Thank you, no. I've given up eating. 242 00:12:06,293 --> 00:12:08,326 You know, when you're not smoking 243 00:12:08,328 --> 00:12:09,728 the hardest thing to do 244 00:12:09,730 --> 00:12:12,330 is to figure out what to do with your hands. 245 00:12:12,332 --> 00:12:13,698 Is there anything on that tray 246 00:12:13,700 --> 00:12:15,567 you don't want? 247 00:12:21,141 --> 00:12:23,641 So, how long have you two been in this.. 248 00:12:23,643 --> 00:12:25,744 ...support group? 249 00:12:25,746 --> 00:12:27,312 Everybody, let's take our seats. 250 00:12:27,314 --> 00:12:28,747 We're late starting the meeting. 251 00:12:28,749 --> 00:12:30,715 Would you like to join us? 252 00:12:30,717 --> 00:12:32,150 Oh, no, thank you, Rita. 253 00:12:32,152 --> 00:12:34,686 Unfortunately, you, uh, caught me on a good day. 254 00:12:40,527 --> 00:12:43,394 Everyone, we have a new member with us. 255 00:12:43,396 --> 00:12:45,797 Willie. 256 00:12:45,799 --> 00:12:47,031 Hello. 257 00:12:47,033 --> 00:12:48,666 Hi, Willie. 258 00:12:48,668 --> 00:12:51,236 - Hello. - Hello. 259 00:12:51,238 --> 00:12:53,805 Would you like to tell us what brought you to our meeting? 260 00:12:53,807 --> 00:12:55,173 Oh! 261 00:12:56,710 --> 00:12:59,477 I just thought I'd sit here and listen if you don't mind 262 00:12:59,479 --> 00:13:02,547 it's, it's my first time. 263 00:13:02,549 --> 00:13:04,415 Well, Willie, the way it works 264 00:13:04,417 --> 00:13:06,718 is that everyone takes their turn speaking. 265 00:13:06,720 --> 00:13:09,387 See that puts us all on an equal footing. 266 00:13:09,389 --> 00:13:13,124 Besides there are some who might resent you if you didn't. 267 00:13:13,126 --> 00:13:15,193 I know I would. 268 00:13:17,130 --> 00:13:19,631 Okay. 269 00:13:19,633 --> 00:13:20,965 I'm, uh.. 270 00:13:20,967 --> 00:13:23,001 I'm.. 271 00:13:23,003 --> 00:13:24,702 I'm, uh.. 272 00:13:26,206 --> 00:13:28,606 I'm trying to quit smoking. 273 00:13:28,608 --> 00:13:33,011 Your wife told us you were afraid to leave your house. 274 00:13:33,013 --> 00:13:35,346 That's right. That, too. 275 00:13:35,348 --> 00:13:38,449 Why do you think you smoke? 276 00:13:38,451 --> 00:13:41,352 [snorts] Don't have a clue. 277 00:13:41,354 --> 00:13:43,555 Would you excuse me, uh, just for a minute? 278 00:13:46,526 --> 00:13:49,260 Willie! Don't you know how to knock? 279 00:13:51,565 --> 00:13:54,365 You were going to eat that dish towel, weren't you? 280 00:13:54,367 --> 00:13:56,467 This? Oh, I was just smelling it. 281 00:13:56,469 --> 00:13:58,503 Hoping for a contact high. 282 00:13:58,505 --> 00:14:00,738 [sniffs] 283 00:14:00,740 --> 00:14:03,174 If you would've eaten that dish towel 284 00:14:03,176 --> 00:14:05,643 I would've been very angry. 285 00:14:07,380 --> 00:14:10,548 That's a sentence I never thought I hear myself say. 286 00:14:11,985 --> 00:14:13,318 Where's Kate? 287 00:14:13,320 --> 00:14:14,853 She went to get more pate. 288 00:14:14,855 --> 00:14:17,322 But I told her there's still half a can of cat foot 289 00:14:17,324 --> 00:14:19,624 left in the fridge. 290 00:14:19,626 --> 00:14:23,728 Alf, they want to know why I smoke. 291 00:14:23,730 --> 00:14:26,397 Willie, you smoke? 292 00:14:26,399 --> 00:14:28,733 I want to help you, Alf, I really, really do. 293 00:14:28,735 --> 00:14:31,269 But you have to want to get better, too. 294 00:14:31,271 --> 00:14:33,204 Now, seriously 295 00:14:33,206 --> 00:14:35,974 why do you think you need to eat cotton? 296 00:14:35,976 --> 00:14:37,242 I don't know. 297 00:14:37,244 --> 00:14:40,111 But surely you can't be happy like this. 298 00:14:40,113 --> 00:14:43,248 You're right, I'm not! I'm a wreck! 299 00:14:43,250 --> 00:14:45,149 Oh, Willie, I've got a monkey on my back. 300 00:14:45,151 --> 00:14:46,584 It's a mean monkey 301 00:14:46,586 --> 00:14:49,053 and it's hassling all the tourists for money. 302 00:14:49,055 --> 00:14:52,490 - Make him go! - 'Willie?' 303 00:14:52,492 --> 00:14:54,459 Well, I hate for you to see me like this. 304 00:14:54,461 --> 00:14:56,995 Is my mascara running? 305 00:14:56,997 --> 00:14:59,330 Okay. Okay, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. 306 00:14:59,332 --> 00:15:00,698 I'm gonna try to steer the conversation 307 00:15:00,700 --> 00:15:02,800 around to something that you can relate to. 308 00:15:02,802 --> 00:15:05,203 But this time, you have to listen. 309 00:15:05,205 --> 00:15:06,271 You understand? 310 00:15:06,273 --> 00:15:08,473 Alright, alright. 311 00:15:10,644 --> 00:15:13,845 Hey. Reformed smokers are the worst. 312 00:15:16,116 --> 00:15:18,683 Uh, I'm sorry. 313 00:15:18,685 --> 00:15:19,984 So.. 314 00:15:19,986 --> 00:15:22,453 You want me to continue. 315 00:15:22,455 --> 00:15:26,190 Uh, well, I guess my habit started 316 00:15:26,192 --> 00:15:28,760 as something that I, I enjoyed 317 00:15:28,762 --> 00:15:32,063 but then I, I couldn't control. 318 00:15:32,065 --> 00:15:35,233 You know, that's how it was with my hand washing. 319 00:15:35,235 --> 00:15:36,768 It was really fun at first 320 00:15:36,770 --> 00:15:38,836 and then suddenly I just couldn't stop. 321 00:15:41,141 --> 00:15:43,942 Are you under a lot of stress? 322 00:15:45,845 --> 00:15:47,779 If you only knew. 323 00:15:47,781 --> 00:15:51,883 It's amazing you haven't blown up like a balloon. 324 00:15:51,885 --> 00:15:53,651 Get off my back. 325 00:15:56,690 --> 00:15:58,589 You see, uh.. 326 00:15:58,591 --> 00:16:00,692 I don't get out all that much 327 00:16:00,694 --> 00:16:05,330 and, uh, I think I must feel kind of bad about that 328 00:16:05,332 --> 00:16:06,597 don't you think? 329 00:16:06,599 --> 00:16:09,434 Why, you afraid of open spaces? 330 00:16:09,436 --> 00:16:12,003 Or is it the crowds? 331 00:16:12,005 --> 00:16:13,805 And the germs? 332 00:16:13,807 --> 00:16:17,375 And the pushing and the touching and the sweating.. 333 00:16:17,377 --> 00:16:20,378 Ron, put that back. Be strong. 334 00:16:20,380 --> 00:16:23,114 This isn't the time to backslide. 335 00:16:23,116 --> 00:16:24,949 You see, um.. 336 00:16:26,586 --> 00:16:28,786 I, uh.. 337 00:16:28,788 --> 00:16:31,656 I guess what it amounts to is, uh 338 00:16:31,658 --> 00:16:34,659 I'm afraid I might be seen by somebody. 339 00:16:36,763 --> 00:16:38,896 Because I'm not from around here 340 00:16:38,898 --> 00:16:41,265 and, uh.. 341 00:16:41,267 --> 00:16:43,267 ...I don't think people would understand. 342 00:16:43,269 --> 00:16:44,469 Where are you from? 343 00:16:44,471 --> 00:16:46,371 - Ohio. - 'Ohio?' 344 00:16:46,373 --> 00:16:47,872 Hey, I'm from Ohio. 345 00:16:47,874 --> 00:16:50,441 Do you know Dr. Bisnick? 346 00:16:50,443 --> 00:16:52,443 Do you ever think that everything 347 00:16:52,445 --> 00:16:54,712 is gonna come crashing down around you 348 00:16:54,714 --> 00:16:57,915 burying you in an avalanche of hopelessness? 349 00:17:01,154 --> 00:17:04,322 I don't wanna hog all your time. 350 00:17:04,324 --> 00:17:06,424 (Alf) 'Willie!' 351 00:17:06,426 --> 00:17:08,726 That must be.. 352 00:17:08,728 --> 00:17:10,962 ...my wife. 353 00:17:10,964 --> 00:17:14,165 Won't you excuse me? 354 00:17:14,167 --> 00:17:16,868 He's more messed up than I am. 355 00:17:16,870 --> 00:17:18,369 Wh-what is it, Alf? 356 00:17:18,371 --> 00:17:21,706 I don't know. Help me, Willie. 357 00:17:21,708 --> 00:17:24,542 I'm scared. 358 00:17:24,544 --> 00:17:26,511 Don't be afraid, Alf. 359 00:17:26,513 --> 00:17:29,380 Look, you want to eat cotton. 360 00:17:29,382 --> 00:17:32,183 Now, why? What's the reason? Think. 361 00:17:32,185 --> 00:17:34,619 Please, just one bite of your pants 362 00:17:34,621 --> 00:17:36,687 down by the cuff. I'm begging! 363 00:17:36,689 --> 00:17:38,556 No, no, you don't want that. 364 00:17:38,558 --> 00:17:41,025 - I do! - No, you don't! 365 00:17:41,027 --> 00:17:44,262 For once I wish people would stop telling me what I want! 366 00:17:44,264 --> 00:17:46,664 How do you know what I want? 367 00:17:46,666 --> 00:17:47,932 I want.. 368 00:17:47,934 --> 00:17:50,401 Oh, I wanna go outside. 369 00:17:50,403 --> 00:17:53,371 I wanna see someone who looks like me. 370 00:17:53,373 --> 00:17:55,540 I'm lonely, Willie. 371 00:17:55,542 --> 00:17:58,342 I want to go home! 372 00:17:58,344 --> 00:18:01,579 I understand, Alf. I, I, I understand. 373 00:18:01,581 --> 00:18:04,749 (Howard) 'Willie? We're waiting.' 374 00:18:04,751 --> 00:18:08,219 I miss my family, my friends 375 00:18:08,221 --> 00:18:12,290 party games you'd never let me play in a million years. 376 00:18:12,292 --> 00:18:13,591 (Howard) 'Willie?' 377 00:18:13,593 --> 00:18:16,194 I, I gotta go talk to Howard.. 378 00:18:16,196 --> 00:18:18,496 No, d-don't leave me! 379 00:18:18,498 --> 00:18:20,164 - I.. - Please. 380 00:18:20,166 --> 00:18:21,532 I won't. I-I won't leave you. 381 00:18:21,534 --> 00:18:24,902 I'll be there in a minute, Howard! 382 00:18:24,904 --> 00:18:28,272 I miss Saturday night aphid chews. 383 00:18:28,274 --> 00:18:30,308 I miss my friends. 384 00:18:30,310 --> 00:18:32,710 Especially Rhonda. 385 00:18:32,712 --> 00:18:35,847 I remember one night after harness racing 386 00:18:35,849 --> 00:18:38,416 she was helping me out of my bridle. 387 00:18:40,120 --> 00:18:42,386 I had no idea. 388 00:18:42,388 --> 00:18:45,556 Alf, you always joke about Melmac. 389 00:18:45,558 --> 00:18:48,926 Well, it wasn't the most together planet. 390 00:18:48,928 --> 00:18:51,662 But still... how'd you like to be 391 00:18:51,664 --> 00:18:54,599 the only member of your species? 392 00:18:54,601 --> 00:18:57,435 Sometimes I feel like I am. 393 00:18:57,437 --> 00:19:00,037 But you have a family, Willie. 394 00:19:00,039 --> 00:19:02,440 When you're, when you're talking with little Eric 395 00:19:02,442 --> 00:19:04,408 talking that baby talk 396 00:19:04,410 --> 00:19:10,047 you look so, so, so ridiculous. 397 00:19:10,049 --> 00:19:11,749 It makes me realize 398 00:19:11,751 --> 00:19:14,152 I'm never gonna be able to look half that ridiculous 399 00:19:14,154 --> 00:19:17,488 with a little one of my own. 400 00:19:17,490 --> 00:19:19,357 You can be ridiculous with our family 401 00:19:19,359 --> 00:19:22,627 anytime you want. 402 00:19:22,629 --> 00:19:24,629 And you are. 403 00:19:24,631 --> 00:19:28,533 Ah, just not the same. 404 00:19:28,535 --> 00:19:31,169 There's a bond that you have 405 00:19:31,171 --> 00:19:32,637 that I never will. 406 00:19:32,639 --> 00:19:34,739 [knock on door] 'Willie?' 407 00:19:34,741 --> 00:19:37,608 Alf, quick. Under the table. 408 00:19:37,610 --> 00:19:39,010 [knocking continues] 409 00:19:39,012 --> 00:19:41,712 'Willie?' 410 00:19:41,714 --> 00:19:44,415 - Hello, Willie. - Hello. 411 00:19:44,417 --> 00:19:46,951 - Where's your wife? - Kate? 412 00:19:46,953 --> 00:19:49,987 She's, uh, gone to get more pate. 413 00:19:49,989 --> 00:19:53,991 Who was that yelling about wanting to go home? 414 00:19:53,993 --> 00:19:56,761 Oh.. 415 00:19:56,763 --> 00:19:59,063 That would have to be me. 416 00:20:01,267 --> 00:20:03,034 Isn't this your home? 417 00:20:04,971 --> 00:20:09,006 Yes. Yes, it is. Thank you. I feel much better. 418 00:20:09,008 --> 00:20:11,876 Now, I can't help you with the yelling at yourself part. 419 00:20:11,878 --> 00:20:15,513 That's more than this group can possibly give you. 420 00:20:15,515 --> 00:20:17,081 He's right. 421 00:20:17,083 --> 00:20:19,250 I know. 422 00:20:19,252 --> 00:20:21,118 I understand. Thank you. 423 00:20:21,120 --> 00:20:23,788 And say goodbye to the others for me, will you? 424 00:20:23,790 --> 00:20:25,890 Of course. Goodbye. 425 00:20:25,892 --> 00:20:28,259 This is going to disappoint Ron. 426 00:20:33,399 --> 00:20:36,300 I'm sorry you're lonely, Alf. 427 00:20:36,302 --> 00:20:37,702 Thanks. 428 00:20:39,639 --> 00:20:43,307 Well, eating cotton never solved anything. 429 00:20:45,478 --> 00:20:47,311 There's another sentence I never thought 430 00:20:47,313 --> 00:20:49,080 I'd hear myself say. 431 00:20:51,384 --> 00:20:53,150 You gonna be okay? 432 00:20:53,152 --> 00:20:54,719 I think so. 433 00:20:54,721 --> 00:20:56,821 Talking about it helps. 434 00:20:56,823 --> 00:20:58,089 Hey, you should try it. 435 00:20:58,091 --> 00:21:00,725 Maybe it'll help you kick cigarettes. 436 00:21:00,727 --> 00:21:02,460 I don't smoke! 437 00:21:02,462 --> 00:21:05,863 Oh, so you can dish it out, but you can't take it. 438 00:21:05,865 --> 00:21:09,533 Come on! I've been there. Talk to me. 439 00:21:09,535 --> 00:21:12,270 Don't dance alone. 440 00:21:12,272 --> 00:21:14,872 I'll remember that. Thanks. 441 00:21:14,874 --> 00:21:17,742 Hey, no sweat, and tomorrow 442 00:21:17,744 --> 00:21:20,411 go out and buy yourself some new underwear. 443 00:21:20,413 --> 00:21:22,046 My treat. 444 00:21:26,419 --> 00:21:27,451 ¶ Da da da da da ¶ 445 00:21:27,453 --> 00:21:29,420 ¶ Da da da da da ¶ 446 00:21:29,422 --> 00:21:31,355 ¶ Da da da da da ¶ 447 00:21:31,357 --> 00:21:33,291 ¶ Da da da da da ¶ 448 00:21:33,293 --> 00:21:35,259 ¶ Da da da da da ¶ 449 00:21:35,261 --> 00:21:37,228 ¶ Da da da da da ¶ 450 00:21:37,230 --> 00:21:38,963 ¶ Da da da da da ¶ 451 00:21:38,965 --> 00:21:40,898 ¶ Da da da da da ¶ 452 00:21:40,900 --> 00:21:43,134 ¶ Da da da da.. ¶¶ 453 00:21:43,136 --> 00:21:44,635 Aah! 454 00:21:46,039 --> 00:21:49,840 Alf, were you having that dream again? 455 00:21:49,842 --> 00:21:51,575 Yeah. 456 00:21:51,577 --> 00:21:53,711 Being clean and sober gonna be a lot harder 457 00:21:53,713 --> 00:21:56,280 than I thought. 458 00:21:56,282 --> 00:21:57,682 Oh.. 459 00:21:59,852 --> 00:22:02,486 ¶ Da da da ¶ 460 00:22:02,488 --> 00:22:03,587 ¶ Yes and ¶ 461 00:22:03,589 --> 00:22:05,523 ¶ Da da da da da ¶ 462 00:22:05,525 --> 00:22:07,525 ¶ Da da da da da ¶ 463 00:22:07,527 --> 00:22:09,694 ¶ Da da.. ¶ 464 00:22:09,696 --> 00:22:11,395 ¶ Da da da ¶ 465 00:22:13,099 --> 00:22:16,100 [theme music] 466 00:22:40,526 --> 00:22:44,362 Ha-ha-ha!